If Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote for TMZ

In Xanadu did Charlie Sheen

  A stately hooker-dome decree:

  Where both his sacred nostrils, ran

  Through cocaine measureless to man

  He smoked it constantly.                                            

  So twice five girls he kept around

  With big fake breasts and asses round:

  And here were crack-pipes packed with rocks for thrills,

  Which set so much white and noxious smoke a-free;

  And here’s the deluxe home-theater where he chills,                         

  And watches hours and hours of pornography.